Run With Sparkle

"I will certainly be with you." Exodus 3:12       It was 2 weeks before we were to start homeschooling again and dread overwhelmed me. Why? Because Isaiah didn't want to homeschool. It was painful to think of another year of trying to convince him that this is what we were called to right now, the best thing for our family.  I met with a friend and she told me about a new grant that enables low income families to go to private school. Perfect! Perhaps this was my answer...Isaiah could go to Heartland Christian School. I was sad that this may be God's answer because I would miss the time with him, but wanted the best for the kids. So, I began the application process. I had an unsettling feeling the entire time. When I stopped to hear from the Lord on the issue, I could hear Him saying, "Heather, I've told you to homeschool, given you the curriculum, answered your fears, and you're still not obeying." Ouch! "Okay, Lord, I'll listen, but

As the rain  and the snow      come down from heaven, and do not return to it      without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish,      so that it yields seed  for the sower  and bread for the eater, 11  so is my word  that goes out from my mouth:       It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire      and achieve the purpose  for which I sent it.  Isaiah 55:10-11 Last week with our kids was brutal.  I babysat various numbers of kids everyday, had missionaries in from out of town, took the kids to Bible school, had play dates at the park, and had 4 different nights where we had dinner with families from our church. By the end of the week I was ready to lock our children in their rooms.  They were being mean, not wanting to play together, constantly hurting the other one's feelings, saying things I have never heard come out of their mouths. Who were these two little beasts?  As I was reflecting with Nate about the week, I

Yesterday, after much bickering and breaking up fights I said to the kids, "We really need to sit down and read our Bible together.  We need to hear from the Lord!"  The sounds that followed ripped me to the core..."Awww!" "Do we have to?" "I don't like reading the Bible!"  I wanted to scream in anger about how they never seem to make those sounds when we sit down to watch a movie, but I didn't, I just started reading.  Zeke was the only one scrambling to get to my lap and hear the story. Afterwards, I let the kids go play and I just sat in the Popasan chair feeling dejected, like a terrible mother. "Lord, you promised to pour out your Spirit on my children!  What is happening?  I am failing you...failing them!  You have to do something" I brought them all back into the sun room for a light lecture.  Haha...yeah, if that's possible! "Guys, I have one main job as a mother and that is to teach you the Word of God.

Last week my beautiful 4-year-old, Moriah, started riding a 2-wheel bike. She has been determined for a while to learn to ride this summer and last week after many bumps and bruises, she took off.  She also started pumping her own swing, too! Wow...life is zooming by! But, back to the bike...it was a warm & sunny spring day in 2013.  The kids were outside riding their bikes.  Moriah had more than outgrown her princess bike with training wheels.  I remember breathing these words to Jesus, "It would sure be wonderful for Moriah to learn to ride a bike this summer, but she needs a new bike.  We don't have the money for one.  A princess bike would be nice, too."  It was just a thought sent up to heaven to my Daddy who provides for all of our needs!  It wasn't an "official" prayer, but just a thought, believing in His time He would provide what Moriah needed.  It wasn't 5 minutes after that breath I heard Isaiah calling, "Mom! Mom!  There's a b

In the quiet, in the stillness I know that You are God In the secret of Your presence I know there I am restored When You call I won’t refuse Each new day again I’ll choose There is no one else for me None but Jesus Crucified to set me free Now I live to bring Him praise In the chaos, in confusion I know You’re Sovereign still In the moment of my weakness You give me grace to do Your will When You call I won’t delay This my song through all my days All my delight is in You Lord All of my hope, all of my strength All my delight is in You Lord Forevermore                                Hillsong United, None But Jesus With the news of baby #5 on her way, this song was appropriate for today! 

On Sunday my husband was telling about an ancient Hebrew tradition called Votive Offering . Votive offerings "refers to those things that are vowed or dedicated to God...as an expression of reverence or thanksgiving."- Thanks, Orthodoxy Wiki   This is my Votive offering or Thank offering: I have been searching for curriculum for a few months now, researching what will be best for my children.  I knew I wanted something that followed the principles of Charlotte Mason and Leadership Education .   I didn't care much for My Father's World curriculum a year ago when I was searching out a Kindergarten program, but my philosophy of education has changed so much in a year!  I had settled on their 1st grade curriculum for Isaiah with just a couple supplements for Moriah. I needed reassurance from the Lord that this was the right curriculum for us so that when we get into the thick of it all I can rest in that assurance.  So, I laid a fleece out for the Lord... If t

He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Psalm 113:9 I remember a time I hated being a Mom. Gasp! Yes, I feel sick saying it aloud, but I hated it.  The "what ifs" of fear ruled my life every second of the day...there was no peace to be found.  I continually reached the "end of my rope" and wanted to run.  The temper tantrums, strong-wills, challenges of teaching outside of the home, trying to be superwoman at church.  Sure, I loved hearing, "How on earth do you do it all?", but always felt that I was about to snap in anger or just have an emotional break down. I remember vividly sitting at the park watching Moms interact with their children with such joy, peace, and true contentment.  That is what I wanted.  To be able to set other things aside and enjoy my children, my role in life. In 2010 I was on the verge of another breakdown and I was ready to give up.  The dream of having a big family was fading because I didn'

If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those that ask him!  Matthew 7:11 I remember from the time I was very young God answering the prayers of my heart.  Without thinking much about it, I asked Him for everything.  When I needed new jeans, I prayed and He'd provide name brand, like new jeans at the thrift store.  When I needed anything that I knew my parents didn't have enough money for, I asked God.  God was my Daddy and I knew that deep within my soul. It wasn't that I thought of God as my Sugar Daddy in the sky, but I knew He loved me and wanted to take care of me, so I figured He was the best one to ask. Those memories of God providing for me have carried over into my Mama/ Adult life.  Or kids pray and ask God for things they want and need.  There are "wants" that we long to give them, but we can't afford at the moment, so we ask God.  We believe tha

I awoke in a cold sweat, flooded by fears of what may come...  Swim lessons. Five babies in one family. A little girl in floaties at 6. Dirty floors. Piano lessons. And somehow I ended up with..."You're a terrible Mother!" It all seems silly now. Was I really afraid that I wouldn't be able to get the kids swim lessons?  Judging by my heart rate and the inability to sleep I would say, yes! I leaped out of bed and ran for the one thing I knew to do...grasped for my Bible. I just sat in the living room, completely exhausted from the battle that had been raging in my mind. I tried opening my Bible, but the words were blurry from the tears that had been spilled over unrealized fears. Lord, I don't know how to deal with all of these thoughts, terrors coming at me.  I know I am being irrational, but I don't know how to conquer right now.  I'm feeling cloudy.  Weak.  Insane. I sat desiring with every ounce of energy left to hear from Him. His sweet whisper

I love Patricia Polacco's books...she is one of my top ten favorite children's authors!  When I read her books the kids ask me why I am crying...again! Today I read my favorite, The Junkyard Wonder , at our Ladies' Tea.  Here is the talk I gave: This book for me was a continuation of what God has been teaching me for a while…this is the story of who we are in Christ….a story of Grace! “Welcome to the junkyard, ladies!!”  “We are…didn’t you notice…all of us are…different…you know, odd.  Like stuff in a junkyard!” I assume that everyone in this room can relate to that “junkyard” feeling.  Perhaps we’ve overcome our own inferiority complex or we’re still working through the pain, but if we sit and ponder our lives for a while, each one of us can point to a time when someone told us we just didn’t have what it takes.  And, most of us believed them.  “You’re fat!” “You’re boring!” “I don’t want to be your friend!” “I don’t love you!” “I don’t hav

Metamorphosis  is a biological process by which an  animal  physically  develops ...  which is usually accompanied by a change of  habitat  or  behavior .  This is a Greek word which means transformation or change of shape.  (Thanks, Wikipedia ) I told my husband last night, "For the first time in my life I haven't had nightly 'Mom guilt' for quite a few nights in a row!  Maybe the Lord's changing me?"  He replied as a wonderful, supportive husband should, "That's awesome!  What's made the difference?"  Hmm.... Grace. On this short journey of fearlessness I have found grace.  Grace that allows me to play with my kids and let  other things go at the moment.  Grace to stop and stand in awe of the beauty around me.  Grace to allow my kids to 'mess up' and make mistakes and learn from them.  Grace to go outside and play in the rain when there are e-mails to be answered.  Grace to put ourselves in uncomfortable people situations beca

She looked so weak, yet so beautiful.  It had been a long day. The doctors were supposed to put in a port for the Chemo and had punctured her lung instead.   Sweet, Marathon-runner, Mama of 4, tall & lean, inspiring teacher, funny, confident, Spirit-filled, friend...just some of the words I would use to describe J. Today she was facing just one of the most trying experiences of her life.  The other happened two weeks prior, two days after Christmas. My heart sank to see her in such pain... What was there to do, but just pray?  God had flooded her with His peace.  That was evident.  Her smile told it all. My heart was dragging...pleading...begging God for answers.  Why J?  Why does she have to go through this? The promise from the Psalms earlier in the day... Taken from Psalms 3-5 "But, You are a shield around me, O Lord; You bestow glory on me and lift up my head ." "I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me ." "You

 " For the Lord your God is living among you.  He is a mighty Savior.  He will take delight in you with gladness.  With His love He will calm all of your fears.  He will rejoice over you with joyful songs ." Zephaniah 3:17 My latest obsession:  Homeschooling Theory books & Curriculum.  I have been reading everything I can find on Charlotte Mason, Unschooling, Leadership Education, Curriculum maps...my head is swimming.  Am I crazy? Yes.  But, in my defense, I am new to this homeschooling thing and I want to give it all I have got!  Crazy, fear-filled Mama is back. " He will calm all of your fears ..."  ahhh...I can rest.  I can move slowly.  No rushing.  No drowning my kids in spelling drills.  No racing out to buy the latest, best curriculum.  I can sit on the couch and read with them, enjoy books with them, enjoy math with them, enjoy THEM! Fearless: Putting outside pressures aside & allowing my kids to be who they were created to be.  Isaiah hates r

Unpainted walls.  Dishes piled high.  Rotten fruit.  Something smelly in the fridge.  Phone calls.  Christmas decorations packed, but not put away.  4 hungry children.  Speech Therapy.  Grocery shopping.  Bills.  A looming CPR class.  Ballet recital.  Gold and silver glitter sprinkled throughout the house.  Schoolwork.  Tired kids arguing over silliness. Monday morning. Where did the weekend go?  How did I not get things put back in order? Overwhelming...Numb to the joy that awaits this new day. I have pledged to do the Important, not the Urgent .  " What next, Lord? How do I live it?" He whispers faintly... pray...rest... Yes, that is the important.  The most important AND the most urgent right now.  Grace.  Grace for this moment, each moment today.  Jesus wants to touch every part of this day. My to-do list did not get done.  Grace happened.  Not perfection, but Grace.  God was glorified.  Everything felt dark...I ran to Him.  Light came. Fearless :  When the

Most of the time what I think should get noticed goes far unnoticed. Every Mama can empathize with the tinge of pain when..no one sees the victories, the graces, the triumphs, those "aha' moments that just can't be retold. No matter how big or small, it would be so nice to hear "well done". When those longings for recognition come, I am so thankful for the voice of His Spirit.  "Isn't this the thrust of the gospel?  To be least?  Isn't that what I came to model for you?"   Motherhood...an opportunity to be least. I dodge little feet from hitting the computer screen. Sweet bouncy giggles. Gentle hugs.  Squinty-eyed smiles. I am reminded of the sweet reward which only comes from being least. I remember the prayer...the prayer of a Mama's heart..."Lord, I want them to see YOU, not me.  Make me invisible.  No more Heather, no more self...just YOU, just your beauty!"  How grateful I am for how He reminds me.  Just a whisper..

What if… What if this journey to fearlessness really changes me and my Type A personality?  Changes how I look at the world? My kids? My husband? My church?  My God? At every step and new venture we take together? What if… Schooling didn’t have to be a burdensome checklist hanging over my head, but a way of life…fun, even?  Is it possible for my Type A, legalistic, organization-crazed mind to let loose and allow some fun into our routine?  Our kids might actually enjoy learning and look forward to each new concept presented to them!  This is fearlessness. What if... I allowed my house to be messy, even when people “pop in” for a visit?  I allowed the house to remain “messy” all day and didn’t require everyone to pick up their toys until bedtime? I stayed in my pj’s all day and didn’t bother with make-up, but enjoyed the freedom of being a Homeschooling Mom? What if I sat down and held my babes just because I am able instead of cleaning the sink? I

This week Nate was reading our fam the story of Gideon .  Such a wonderful story of victory, faith, and...fear?  Yep, Gideon had a lot of fear...but, it was what he chose to do with that fear that made him  one of the heroes of the faith . Here's the story paraphrased by me.... Israel had again done evil in the eyes of the Lord... surprise, surprise ...and for six years they had been oppressed by the Midianites.  The Midianites ravaged their lives. Finally, after being "reduced to starvation" they cried out to the Lord. On the scene comes Gideon, threshing wheat in a wine press, the most unexpected place...living in fear... trying to keep his family alive. The Angel of the LORD appears to Gideon and says, "The Lord is with you, Mighty Warrior". Gideon's first response was, "Huh?  Are you crazy?  The Lord is with me? Look at everything that has happened to us.  How can the Lord be here? I had heard about the miracles of the Lord, but they surely

"Do one thing everyday that scares you." Eleanor Roosevelt

Something struck me this year as I read the Christmas story and I haven't been able to get away from it, especially since the theme of fearlessness has been on the forefront of my mind. Luke 1:  (Paraphrased by me) Gabriel came to Mary and told her that she was the chosen one to carry the Messiah, the King of Kings, the One her people had been anticipating for hundreds of years. WOW!  I imagine that she would've felt like the least qualified for this job.  Thus, her answer, "How will this be since I am a virgin?" 1:34. In verse 35 the angel tells her exactly how it is going to happen...through the power of the Holy Spirit.  He even gives her a story to increase her faith.  Her cousin Elisabeth who is really old and barren is pregnant.  He says, "For nothing is impossible with God!" 1:37  No human mind can comprehend this fact.  But, Mary had faith.  Her reply to this "impossible" news?  "I am the Lord's servant."  "May it

Have you ever met someone or had a conversation with someone that you knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that every word out of his/ her mouth was a word from Jesus to you?   I had made an appointment to meet with a fellow pastor's wife for coffee today.  I was exhausted and had a strong desire to stay in bed, but I could feel that God was leading me to not cancel this meeting.  I didn't know much about this lovely lady except that we had ministry in common.  When I had set up the meeting this summer I was going through a really hard time in ministry and needed to talk to someone outside of the church.  But, today, because I have been so consumed with Kid's Ministry and Homeschooling, I didn't feel the need to talk about anything else. From the minute we sat down, Stephanie began saying things to me that were words for me from Jesus. She began telling me about her years of homeschooling(even as a single mom) and how she wouldn't trade them for anything, hardships i

When I am driven by fear, everyone had better watch out!  Something happens in my body when fear comes upon me.  I have mistaken it for anger, but now identified it as fear.  I get hot...reason goes out the window...calm & restfulness are long gone.   Today, the fear that started out my morning was...You're failing your children in their schooling.  We have missed quite a few days of school due to the Christmas season.  A week ago, it was totally fine and I knew we'd catch up. But, today, when I let  fear drive me, I was a mad woman.  NOT the Mama full of Grace that I long to be. The only sound thing I could do was silently say to God, "I can't do this, You have to do this.  You gave me the desire to home school, I KNOW that, now YOU have to take over."  I said it again and again while trying to pay attention to Isaiah reading to me.  I kept feeling hot, asking for God to help me think clearly.   I ran into Nate who was working on bills in the off

As this new year approaches there is only one word God has given me:   Fearless   This is something that God has been trying to get through to me for a long time.  Heather without fear? This could change every aspect of my life & even transform the people around me.  It is only the beginning. I know I'm only just scratching the surface, but God keeps pointing me to glimpses of what my life might look like with the absence of fear. I can't wait to see what this year will bring. I tried many times to change the name of this blog so that "A life without fear..." wouldn't be the central point, but I can't get away from it. On Sunday my Mother in Law brought Chinese food to our house and I opened a Fortune Cookie.  God has a sense of humor.... So, Lord, I am vowing right now to continue on this unknown journey.  I am vowing to seek a life of complete abandoned trust in YOU.  No Fear!  I don't know what this will bring in my marriage, for my ki